BULK FILM | and why I love them

well lately, I became a big fan of bulk film. some friends of me fro Bandung. well, let's say two of them sent me some of the rolls they made and I just fell in love with the results. it's raw, vintage, grainy and just so moody.
Well I know, I used to feel shocked when I receive my first bulk film. it's BW cinema by ahong. I was like, really shocked when I found out that it's only stickers. inside, it's colour film's canister. I posted on story and both ahong and crystal calmed me by telling me that it's a bulk BW film.
well, only one frame I got at that time. But then I tried the #rollnyatale bulk film from Crystal and I just fell in a deep deep love with this kind of film.
so bad I heard that they didn't produce it anymore. but if you heard about these rolls in the future, grab them all fast!!
here's some results of the bulk film as processed by indigo film lab, Bandung-INDONESIA.
Ahong and Crystal, you both are killers!!!

photographic therapy | a non science one

I wrote this post when my hands were shaking, my tummy ache like there's an alligator inside, sweat around my neck made my clothes wet and sticky in an air con-ed room.

I'm not in the island, I'm on a working trip and I forgot to bring my pills with me. the dumbest thing that ever happened to me, while I can just see random doctor to ask for my meds.

but one thing I know, I still bring one of my medicine here. I opened my laptop and opened my dropbox. while my heart beats in a wrong tune and my eyes can't coordinate well, I opened some old archive. pictures that I took while my day was sunny, pictures that I took with laughters, pictures that made me feel good about myself. 

I tried to scroll one by one and start breathing a bit better though my chest still quite painful and my toes still crawled uncontrollably . but inside, it feels a bit better.

Here let me show you some pictures that you might have seen before but some of them gave an impact during my anxiety attack like today. now.

to those who's in this pics, thank you :')

4/5 | Depression through my son's eyes

I was diagnosed with some mental disabilities since I was a child. But since I became a mom, which I thought will made me better, made it worse instead. I was diagnosed with a chronic BPD, anxiety, and depression at the same time. Which I have to take a serious medication for it. No joking, it feels worse each days. I can have my sunny days (like today) sometimes, but suddenly, the storm came in and ruined everything in me.

My 4 years old son is the one who always be there patiently, and he even documenting the journey of my total recovery (which is impossible) with his film camera. When it's hard to leave my bed, when I didn't take any shower for weeks, when I can't stop with my alcohol addiction, even when there's one time I'm under my reasonless panic attack.

Seeing his pictures is somehow a therapy for me, and also his works is one of the inspiration of my talks about photographic therapy.

I hope you'll get something by seeing these pictures taken by him.